Brown Bear Nation Welcome to the Brown Bear Episodes. Sit back, relax, read, view, and possibly enjoy the post-grad saga of a girl with no shame and a whole lot of heart.

This is a piece of Islamic poetry written in Cordoba of Al Andalus, an Arabic name given to those parts of the Iberian Peninsula governed by Muslims or Moor, at various times in the period b/w 711 and 1492. 

Split My Heart

How I wish I could split my heart with a knife, put you inside then close up my chest.

so that you could be in my heart and not another’s until resurrection and the day of judgement.

There you would stay while I lived and after death you would remain buried deep inside my heart in the darkness of the tomb.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I find Arabic and Islamic poetry to be incredibly imaginative, creative, and sincere. This piece portrays a longing for love everlasting.

Lay with me, love and tell my soul your secrets.

I’ve been searching for your heart, so where is it you keep it?

Is it locked away underneath your worries, memories, and key?

Will you let me hold it, love? Could you ever put your trust in me?

I’ve been waiting for your hand to touch my face, my soul this way

And I want you to know that I’m here, love, here to stay.

I don’t know her name, her face but I know what she’s done,

She won that war, broke you down, and now my battle has begun.

I’m going to dig and uncover.

I’ll struggle for this love.

Cause if one doesn’t fight for it,

What good is true love?

So now we’ll close our eyes and let peace settle upon you

I know when you look at me, when you kiss me

That this is “showing me” that its this heart you pursue.

Love, I could lay like this forever.

And I could lay with you forever.

Draped in the typical dress, maybe you have ordinary ways, but I think masked in simplicity is a manifesting destiny, perhaps of you draped in me in these ordinary days. Just brown eyes, just brown hair, six feet, who should care, but I melt, I desire, I distantly admire, you in entirety, all of you that sits before me. Ordinary is now an exceptional quality. I want to be yours and ordinary.

Entry #2772

Mathieu called out to me from the doorway of my grandfather’s library.  Lying on top of one of the gigantic bookshelves, I beckoned him to come in.

 “How did you get up there, Eddie.” I smirk with one arm hanging over the side.

“I climbed, Mathieu, I climbed.” He shook his head refusing to indulge my supposed bad behavior.

“You were missed in the lesson today. I believe your uncle pays me…” I jumped in.

 “To come here on a Saturday and waste my time, yes?” Mathieu rolled his eyes impatiently.

 “You, of all people, should appreciate the beauty of language, Eddie.” I shifted to my side, but kept my eyes straight ahead.

 “(In French) I do appreciate it, Mat so I use it. (In English) I’ve mastered a few of those languages you’re trying to get those twats to swallow better than you.” I raised an eyebrow. “I refuse to sit there week after week these days as the rest of the lot pukes out nonsense.” I peered down to him in his light gray slacks and light blue button up. “You and I both know I only join in on the festivities every so often to see you.” He turned around to face the door. I sat up and swung my legs over the side. “Must we play this game, Mr. Marceau? You’re not as shy as you pretend in this moment.” I paused and laughed to myself. Moving my right hand to the side of my face, I spoke in the most innocent voice I could muster. “How is Allison? Does she still have that magnificent smile?” He walked toward the doors and closed them. As he turned around, I noticed his eyes were closed, and then he spoke quietly.

“She is well. She loved the books you sent her. I’ve brought you one although I’m quite sure you’ve read it.” He pulled the small book out of back right pants pocket and held it up for me to see.

“What is it? Do you think I’ll like it?” He walked toward the bookshelves again and tilted his hand from side to side showing a bit of insecurity.

“Persuasion by Ms. Austin. I think you shall enjoy it for all that its worth.” I located the wooden ladder I used to climb up at the backend of the shelf and proceeded to make my way down.

 “You know that I stay away from those idealistic tales. Ms. Austin is after my heart and I won’t let her have it,” I quipped as I descended. Mathieu stood motionless as I made my way around the shelf. When I was in sight he glided slowly toward me. Looking down at the book he offered,

“Then you won’t read her?” Adjusting my bangs so that the hair would stay out of my eyes, I took the book in my hand and looked at it.

 “You brought it for me, did you not? It would be disrespectful of me not to at least open it. I’m trying not to be a book elitist.” I looked up into his soft blue eyes and gently shrugged. “Tell me, Mat. How was the lesson today?” His glare was strong, but unconscious. He chuckled a bit.

“Absolutely dreadful…Your cousins decided to slaughter ever word one could use to describe a meal in Spanish. When I asked them to switch course and work on their French, they began discussing “getting laid” and hairy women. I can’t handle them without you.” I smiled.

 “You beg them to work. You must make them respect you instead, Mathieu.” His head fell a bit.

 “They will never be the pupils you were.” I raked my hand through his light brown hair slowly.

“Perhaps, if they knew you the way I do, they would come around.” I kissed him on his cheek and lingered for a moment. “Then again, perhaps if Allison knew you the way I do, she too would come around.” He put his hands on my waist nervously. “My dear Mathieu, once you graduate you won’t be making house calls, will you? What a bachelor you will be.” I put my arms around his neck and touched his smooth sculptured face. “Will you still have time for me once you propose to Allie?” His hands move up my back to my face. He stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. He focused his gaze on my eyes

“You are one of a kind, Eddie. I don’t see how I could possible quit you, no matter where I go or …” I pressed my lips against his left hand and looked down.

 “Or who you do?” Moving his hands to my neck, he kissed me quickly. I walked backwards between the towering shelves so as to hide the unbuttoning of my short cocktail dress and his linen blue button up that he wore so studiously before it hit the floor. Against the back shelf of grandfather’s legendary library, Mathieu was not the elegant, soft soul he seemed to portray to all others. He was actually the complete opposite as a lover, the lover I had known him to be for years.

                                                                     Ever so,

                                                                                 Eden Eddie Worthing

Constriction, the possibilities as they are are narrowed significantly. I’m not caught off guard as it were maybe weeks ago whilst I believed that circumstances would consistently be the way you lead me to believe, but you keep changing and fading, flipping this situation that cannot be called a relationship.

Conviction, I wait for you to consciously give it, to be obvious, to admit it purposefully that you-want-to be-with-me. But even in this admission, I see, I feel the definite stupidity. Tell me how people can be together if they are never together. And you and I, were rarely together initially.

Division, while I try to mend the slash that distance has created with small measures of appreciation, you’re endlessly lazy in reply, casually letting me know you’ve got less important things on your list of every changing priorities. Read an another book or take five seconds to send this heart I placed in your grasp a postcard?.?.?…

Negation, You’ve chosen to forget the little things and forget I’m not at your current disposal, that I can’t forgive and forget your careless manners and lack of sincerity if you’re not here to make it up to me, if my short memories are fleeting, you forget or rather aren’t concerned that I’m worth consideration so

Ignition, Fuck hanging on and praising a beautiful beginning, because its only me, fuck grasping, trying to know you still, whilst you act so casually, whilst you lost your hold that I was trying to reattach for you constantly.  Fuck thinking I’ll never come across another person who could choose me genuinely, want or like, care for, see himself with…me. I appreciate you tremendously for what it was, but I know you can’t want me, honestly, if you don’t know what you want at all. And you’ll be emotionless in reaction and I’ll be emotionless as I look for distraction.

Here is goes, my wish list. I start the road to Grad School.

New York University

Emory

Columbia University

Syracuse University

University of Chicago

University of Edinburgh

Indiana University

Michigan State University

Boston University