Brown Bear Nation I'm just a brown bear in a world without honey, these are my bad decisions, my writing pieces, my music, my thoughts, my favorite things, and they are all here for you to read and make fun of, because I do.

If you’re into going Green or if you wannabe green friendly, but you know you’re too broke (economy isn’t exactly looking to optimistic now) or already have a decent ride, I still wanna let you take a peek at the lastest Green rides out there.  

This is a piece of Islamic poetry written in Cordoba of Al Andalus, an Arabic name given to those parts of the Iberian Peninsula governed by Muslims or Moor, at various times in the period b/w 711 and 1492. 

Split My Heart

How I wish I could split my heart with a knife, put you inside then close up my chest.

so that you could be in my heart and not another’s until resurrection and the day of judgement.

There you would stay while I lived and after death you would remain buried deep inside my heart in the darkness of the tomb.

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

I find Arabic and Islamic poetry to be incredibly imaginative, creative, and sincere. This piece portrays a longing for love everlasting.

Quick note, Beyonce’s new album includes two nice singles, One “Single Ladies” is an up tempo song about the jealous ex who missed his chance and it reminds me of Get Me Bodied. The second, If I were a Boy may remind you of Ciara’s Like A Boy, but this track is a slower ballad which makes the message a lot stonger and the video really makes the words hurt.

Also, Ingrid Michaelson is releasing a album, BE OK, is out and if you were a fan of her, “The Way I Am” from the Old Navy commerials you might like this disk, which includes a lot of songs performed live.

Final note, if you haven’t had a chance to check out Adele, Matt Nathanson, Gaslight Anthem (the sound a bit like the Killers, check out The 59’ Sound), or Ludo’s Love Me Dead please do.

My love life is not a love life.

It’s 20^th of October.  Its five months since Derek left. I, for the longest time after Derek left for Cali, refused to even let myself look at a another guy. I cried myself to sleep wondering why I liked that kid so much, why he was so right and the timing was so wrong for us. I knew his faults, but for some reason liked or should I say like, him because of them. Those “I’m a twelve year old and my friends are fucking retards” faults made him a real person; a tangible person who I knew at the core knew me and adored me in the same way. When I fell, I fell hard. It was weird to hear myself say that I didn’t like him as much as I knew I did in the beginning. I was trying not to get hurt, but come on, we all know that if its meant to hurt, to burn, its going to find a way to complicate itself and get to you in the worse ways, ways that make you long to be looked at by only his eyes, ways that make you wonder if you could move to the other side of the country to be with someone. Relationships are transitional, this I know. Yet, I knew for a while there I would have considered making that leap if only for the taste of something real. You know you’re head over heels when you can look pass his or her continual fuck ups and all you know is that you want to be with that person, everyday, you want to talk to that person all the time. I just wanted to be his; I didn’t think that was too much to ask.

It’s the 20^th of October. Last year, I was seeing this guy, Anthony. He was attractive and very intelligent, but to tell you the truth, I wasn’t at all attracted to him. I liked his personality and in the end, I ended up really thinking he was a cool guy. However, neither the raw feeling of lust nor sweet, nervous feeling of liking someone genuinely cropped up. I was indifferent and thus, could detach myself from him and what I said or did. I could play him like a fiddle if I wanted, but instead I tried to like him, pretended to like him. I wanted to invest my feelings in him, but it just never happened. I must say, it is the worst thing to do. You should never do that to anyone and esp. never do that to yourself. Never waste your time, its best to be alone in these circumstances and for that other person who could spending his or her time with someone who feels the same way about them, you’re indeed a shitty shitty person. Don’t let your brain rationalize it or try and make yourself feel better.

It’s the 20^th of October. This year, I am not seeing straight. You know that Ingrid Michaelson song, The Way I Am. “If you were falling/ then I would catch you
You need a light/ I’d find a match/Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am.” Those fuckin’ lyrics keep playing over and over in my head.  I think about waking up to Derek’s face, think about the way he said good morning. Now, I don’t do a “stalker, sick puppy” kind of way, just in a “I have glimpses of the small moments” way. I don’t know why I get stuck on those small moments, but I do. His long distance skills suck major ass and he has no idea what he wants to do with his life. I have direction and I need someone like minded…right? Then why do I compare everything to moments with Derek. I’ve moved passed not being able to look at guys to being able to look and touch if I want, but I’m completely detached. I don’t want to become a Womanizer-I got the swagger of a champion, I can’t find the right companion. Well, actually, my term would be “Manhandler” lol. My heart is obviously in another place and those who come along have no hope. Every time I talk to him, every time we laugh, joke, or talk about grad school, I just get caught. I’m a fool. I know. I know. If I could wish for anything on my 22^nd birthday, it would be to play Scrabble with Derek and that my friend, is FUCKED UP. Okay, scrabble with Derek or a LIGER! I don’t miss him romantically as I miss him as a friend. He was the first person who wanted to play scrabble and chess with me, and didn’t think I was a dork or just want to get in my pants lol.

It’s the 20^th of October.  His name is Luke. He’s tall, smart, and he adores my goofiness and sarcasm. He thinks my cheeks are the deadliness attributes on my body, thinks my skin is a world wonder. I couldn’t agree more. I look like part caramel Chipmunk with these things on my face, who wouldn’t want me. I make him laugh so hard he turns red; he makes me blush so bad I feel guilty. I feel guilty. I am fighting for Derek and Derek isn’t fighting for Derek. All summer long, “he changed his mind like a girl changes clothes” about his future, “he’s hot then he’s cold, he’s yes then he’s no, he’s in then he’s out, he’s up then he’s down.” He doesn’t even show me he gives a fuck, but he tells me he doesn’t know how so I feel bad. He’s probably banging some Thai drag queen who he’s convinced is a real girl. Hahahah. Sorry….I digress. What should I care what he does, right? I have options, in first position, Luke. Luke, he’s relationship material and it turns out that what he wants from an exceptional candidate. I, I am not relationship material. I am fit for no man. I’m hung up on a tangible, intangible idiot and thus, am a heartless, guilt ridden bitch. Luke. He’ll be here for my birthday on the 23^rd. I’ll blow out my candles and perhaps, I’ll wish to fall for him naturally. Perhaps, I’ll wish for a world without lust, lovers, love, romance, hearts, and heartbreak.

My love life is not a life.