Brown Bear Nation Welcome to the Brown Bear Episodes. Sit back, relax, read, view, and possibly enjoy the post-grad saga of a girl with no shame and a whole lot of heart.

Part 3 of the Hands I Hold Series

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.-Kahlil Gibran

I remember my first love as if is the greatest memory I will ever hold. I was three. I had just moved to a neighborhood and I wandered down the street with my cousin. Sitting on a stoop with her mother sat the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. While my cousin admired her brother, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Later, that night I begged my dad to take me back to see her. Although my mom scream about it, my daddy took me and my brother. My mom ended up coming along. My dad introduced me and my family and I asked if I could see her. When we went into the living room, we found her brother sitting on the table by the couch quietly like a elegant feline statue, My family wanted to take him home, but I searched for my beauty. We heard a scream from the kitchen and I went investigate. When I entered the kitchen, there she was. She had jumped upon the table and stolen a piece of steak from a plate. I pointed to my daddy, I WANT THAT ONE. Her owners gave my dad her papers and I took her home that night. She has been mine ever since. I named her after me. At three, Tammy rhymed with Tiffany so I figured it was the ultimate sign of ownership.

I feel odd to have invested so much in something like a “pet.” Many who have a pet for as long as I have know the connection one can have with an animal. Its weird to know that this thing can’t speak to you verbally, but understands, it listens, and there are moments when it really speaks to your heart. I might come as crazy when I express the deep affection I hold for my cat. Its so hard to explain if you haven’t experienced the feeling or had this sort of relationship, but Tammy was my first love, my first friend, and my greatest allie.

I remember when I hated baths at three and she would take them with me. She didn’t fuss or scratch. She knew I was afraid of sharks and drowning and she was there to protect me. She also let me brush her teeth after I got done. Back in elementary school when I started my new school and the kids hated me because I talked differently, because I dressed differently I could come home and talk to her. I was not black enough for those kids, my hair was too long, my skin too light. But Tammy loved me for who I was. She would listen for hours and she would stay next to me as I fell asleep. When I started to write poetry as a way to express what I wish I could say verbally she was listen to me read them aloud over and over again until I perfected them. When I began to sing and I had to practice my parts she didn’t run away when I went sharp. She watched and she would look up at me suddenly if I fucked up. She was the perfect vocal coach.

I remember when I had my first kiss and I rushed home to tell her. She excited with me. We ate all the ice cream in the fridge  that night and we both had the shits for two days straight. When I had to stay at my grandmother’s across the street, Tammy would come over, come up to the window and I could let her in….even though my evil grandmother (who yelled at me about talking shit about Jesus) couldn’t have pets in her building. When that same grandmother (who I learned to respect and understand) died two years later, Tammy stayed with me as I regretted the time I lost with my grandmother when we agrued and how I prayed that if there was a beautiful place after death, that she was there, that she knew that I was sorry for being an immature little witch and that I still didn’t believe in Jesus, but I believed in her hopes for humanity and salvation.

The first time I tried weed, Tammy was there. This was the first time I swear she could talk back and you bet your ass she was witty and feisty. When I thought I was a fat ass in 8th grade, that no one would ever want me. I would sit on the pouch with Tammy. A couple of times she would run off as I stared off into space and she would come back with a dead bird, oppossum, rabbit, or mouse. She would drop it at my feet. I guess it was her way of telling me to shut the fuck up and eat some more. I had to tell her I didn’t like rodent, that she could have my share. Despite how disguised I was by the sight of a dead animal being sat in front of me, I was incredibly thankful that something loved me unconditionally, that she would offer her catch to me. 

As I grew, Tammy grew with me. My friends knew I had a weird attachment to my cat. I’m not to sure they knew why, but they accepted it. As the middle child, I felt like I needed an true allie. My brother is the only boy, the oldest and everybody’s favorite person, and now that we’re grown, hes even my favorite person…damn him. My sister is the baby and when I was younger, family and friends either wanted to talk to my brother or see the baby. I was the chubby kid in the middle. Only 4 yrs younger than my brother, but 6 & 1/2 yrs older than my sister I had trouble finding my place. I was very opinionated at home and in my earlier adolenscence, cynical, and sarcastic even as a kid. People don’t like smart mouth children and my siblings, because they couldn’t compete with me verbally hated my existence. If it were not for Tammy I probably would have hated my existence as well, but Tammy made me bold, Tammy made me continue to have a volatile temper, and shitload of gusto.

Tammy saw my internal struggles and my externals, shes been there through it all. The greatest year I had with Tammy was my senior year of high school. This was my fight or flight year. While all my friends were thinking about prom dates, prom dresses, and graduation. I was in considerable peril. I had just gotten my first job and my boss’s wife hated my guts. The job itself was the dream job. 8 dollars an hr plus tips which rarely came under 25 dollars a night as a senior in HS and working for Jerry Springer’s producer at Cold Stone in Downtown Chicago. I loved it. I loved all the famous people that came in, all the tourists, and all the hot young professionals. Yet, she was always yelling at me, constantly watching over me. She hated the way I did everything although her husband  had few complains as I started  and if he did he would take the tiem to show me what I had to do. I wanted to quick so bad because of his wife.

Then my mom got sick and my dad lost his job and I had a 7,000 tuition to pay in order to graduate on time. I was knew that it was up to me and me alone to find a way. I was 18 and it was time for me to be a big girl.  I was beside myself. I felt like I couldn’t turn to anyone but Tammy. She and I would find a way. We would pay my tuition, we would get my dress made, we would stay strong and take the burden off my parents. We would never again rely on my parents for education or serious finanical needs. She saw me cry nights when I wanted to give up, when I was tired from work and had to wake up at 4 am to do my hmwk. She helped me write letters to corporations and she watched me as prepared for the worst. I could put on a good face because of her, I could joke with my best friends and keep my family together. I didn’t have to make my brother who was away at college worry. When my principle helped me find funding, when I could tell my parents that it was out of their hands, when I paid for all my prom things, when I could turn down some of the best schools in the nation to go to one where I could personally afford pay for most of my needs, when I graduated with my best friends, I bought Tammy a shitload of Fancy Feast. When my family got back on the feet, Tammy was there with me as I understood for the first time in my life that they were my first priority, above all. She was my rock and I am a fighter. If she could steal steak, I could steal my dreams away from failure. 

Through heartbreak and tears, through happy moments, Tammy has been my greatest love and greatest allie. I would even call my dad to put her on the phone, now that I’m away. I planned on moving her with me next yr to graduate school. Today as the vet put her to sleep, as my dad had to tell me. I broke down like never before. I knew she was old, but I couldnt imagine that her day had come. I just loved her so much. I know its because of her that I’m able to openly express myself, that I’m in control of my life. She has held my hand so firmly, the first hand to ever reach out to mine. She has never rejected me, she could never break my heart, and she never lied. How great the separation…I hope she’s with my grandmother, they ended up being friends before she died.